not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
