After last night, I could never be a politician.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
