dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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