I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
