I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
