Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
