I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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