he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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