I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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