i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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