i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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