one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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