I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
