remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
