I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
