I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
you made out with another girl for some wings
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
