I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
