Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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