who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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