Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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