OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
