Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
