every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
