Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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