At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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