The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
