Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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