You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shitshow foam night was such a success
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
