Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
