I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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