Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
