if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
