Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
