When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
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I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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