Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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