THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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