Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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