Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
