i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
