i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Someone came in the potted fern
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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