I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
