absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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