I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize