I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
