I think im going to throw up on grandma
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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