The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
