you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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