I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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