WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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