I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
