First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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