How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
