I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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