Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You ruined the universe
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
