I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
another moral hangover. fuck.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
