The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
