hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
